Preventing the Unimaginable

The last thing a couple thinks about on their wedding day is divorce. Or rather, the last thing I thought about on the day that I got married was the fact that there was a chance that my husband and I could be one of the unlucky couples that ends up separating. On the happiest day of my life, why would I let something so devastating enter my mind?

While my husband and I were engaged I told him that divorce was not an option for us. Whatever problems we might face, whatever challenges may come our way, we will always find a way to work it out. My husband, coming from a family with divorced parents, completely agreed with me.

I do not doubt that there have been married couples who have agreed on the same thing, but unfortunately end up getting a divorce in the end. I don’t think that this agreement between my husband and I makes us “immune” to divorce. And that is the reason for this blog post.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., claims to be able to predict if a married couple will end up in a divorce with very high accuracy. He has come up with signs between a conversing couple to decipher their chance of divorcing. One of these signs he calls The Four Horsemen, they are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are each actions that are done by either or both partners in a marriage, during a discussion. Gottman says that when couples have more than one of these during a conversation, then there is a high possibility for them to get a divorce.

First, criticism. He says that “there’s a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism.” (p.27). When we have a complaint, it is suggesting only to an action done. When we have a criticism, we are actually degrading our spouse’s character. Belittling our spouse leaves damaging effects that I believe are nearly impossible to erase.

Second, contempt. Gottman lists several things that are types of contempt: sarcasm, hostile humor, mockery, eye-rolling, etc. When I think of these things I think of a bratty teenager having a conversation with their parent. The last thing I want to act like while conversing with my husband is a snotty teenager.

Third, defensiveness. When one spouse is getting criticized by the other, they may become defensive during the argument. However, research shows that this rarely gets an apology from the criticizing spouse because it is a form of blaming your spouse.

Fourth, stonewalling. What may seem more common among men is when a wife is “going at” her husband, yelling and whatnot, the husband just tones her out and basically like a stone wall.

I think Gottman has definitely got something going here. I think he really knows what he is talking about when it comes to marriage and divorce. I know that I am going to make a conscious effort to keep the four horsemen out of the discussions I have with my husband, in hopes of preventing the thing that I did not think about on the day I got married.