"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."

In the Old Testament it specifically instructs a married man to let go of his parents and cleave to his wife. I am so grateful for this council.
My husband comes from a home with divorced parents. His father left when he was only a young boy. My husband and his mother grew to be very close and developed a strong bond. While my husband and I were dating, I could clearly see that he held a special place in his heart for his mother. He did many things for her that he had no obligation to do, just out of the kindness of his heart. I have to admit that I was a little jealous of their relationship. As we were engaged I was concerned that he would have a difficult time following the council stated in the Old Testament. I was concerned that he would put the needs of his mother before mine. As I brought these concerns to him, he reassured me that he knew very well my place and his mothers place once we were to be married.
I am very happy to say that my husband has "left his mother, and has cleaved unto his wife." And it has done nothing but strengthen our marriage.

Power

It is a stereotype among males that the husband "wears the pants" in the marriage. It is less common to find the wife being the controlling one in the relationship. Would you believe me if I said that there are other people who can hold the power of a marriage besides the husband or wife?

Think of this, a young girl always dreams of her wedding day, from the dress all the way down to the flavor of the cake. She grows older and falls in love with another man. The decide to get serious and "tie the knot". On the day of the wedding the mother of the bride is frantically running around making sure every detail is perfect. She hardly takes a moment to enjoy the actual wedding because she is concerned that her daughter's veil is positioned just right, the flowers are in their respective places, and the chicken is cooked to moist-perfection. As the bride and groom get into their car to take off for the Hawaii, the mother of the bride is crowding the couple, shouting reminders at them to, don't forget to wear sunscreen, to call and check-in with her when they arrive a the airport, prior to departure, and upon landing, etc.

A few months pass and the newlyweds are happily settled in to their new apartment, just across town from mom. Every once in a while they get in an argument; she wants a dog but he wants a truck, he wants a new sofa but she wants to paint the living room beige, and so on. When they get into these arguments, the wife always drives across town to mom's house. She tells mom all about the argument and every time mom sides with her and assures the daughter that her husband is wrong. The daughter drives back to their apartment and is set in her ways, thanks to her mother.

This is an example of a mother who has not let go of her daughter. In this situation, the mother-in-law has full control of the marriage. This is wrong.

In an article by miller he specifically says that parents no longer hold stewardship over their adult children once married. Children no longer look to their parents when making decisions, rather, husband and wife come together and agree on decisions without interference from parents.

We can all learn something from this. Whether you or your spouse "wear the pants" it is between you and your spouse. Let us not look outside our marriage during times of decision making. 

Faithfulness

One of the reasons two people decide to get married is because they love each other enough to make a vow to remain faithful to each other. It is such a beautiful thing to witness two people make the decision to come together as two individuals, to make a commitment to be completely faithful to each other and choose complete fidelity; to become one in marriage. I don't know of too many more beautiful things in this world.
That being said, I think because a faithful marriage is so beautiful, once one or both partners in a marriage become unfaithful and lose that fidelity, it is destructive. It is no secret that unfaithfulness can ruin a marriage. In fact, many marriages grow sour because a spouse chooses to break those promises that were made at the wedding.
In previous blog posts I have mentioned Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. He brings may gospel principles into marriage and shows us how we can implement the Gospel of Jesus Christ more into our marriages. This is how he describes the order in which a spouse becomes unfaithful in marriage:
1. Behaviors that seem innocent.
2. An affection grows that claims part of ones heart.
3. Extramarital flirting. Justification- no harm intended.
4. Relationship declared as special.
These are the steps that happen between a someone that is married and someone of the opposite gender (that is not the spouse). These steps don't occur overnight. They happen one at a time, gradually. I think it is rare that one becomes unfaithful in one day. If two people make a conscious decision to marry and be faithful to one another, then there are baby steps that take away that fidelity.
So may we all be a little more careful around the opposite sex. May we strive a little more to be completely faithful to our spouse. May we better honor the promises we freely chose when we married.

Is communication actually the key?

When people are asked the question, "What is the key to a successful marriage?" I think nine times out of ten the answer that people give is: communication. A couple needs to exercise good communication in a marriage in order for it to succeed.
In previous blog posts I have mentioned Gottman and his book, the seven principles to a successful marriage.
He has done many close studies on marriage and why they succeed or fail. And he has a different answer to the question "What is the key to a successful marriage?"
In his book he talks about two types of problems in a marriage: solvable and perpetual. Every marriage has both kinds of problems. And he suggests one thing for a married couple to do when they reach a problem (be it solvable or perpetual). Go ahead and take a guess at what it is- I'll give you a hint, it's not effective communication. It's not even creating a shared meaning together. And it is not avoiding flooding during the conversation about the problem. Gottman says that when a problem arises, a couple needs to feel understood and accepted of their personality and perspective.
When we find ourselves in a conflict in our marriage, we often have a different perspective on something. And how it turns into a problem is when we don't take time to accept or understand our partners' perspective.
This is simply mutual respect. When there is respect in a marriage, when we respect our partner as an individual who is entitled to perspectives and opinions, then we will do so much better at resolving conflict in marriage.

Family Council

Every family is different. My husband comes from a family with a single mother and four brothers. I come from a family with both parents still happily married and three brothers and two sisters. We both grew up differently. We had different family rules, traditions, and expectations. And now we have made a promise to each other to share a life together, to be completely faithful to each other, and raise a family together. Coming from two different family backgrounds, how do we try to have the successful family we both want?
I think many couples face this same question either before having children, or in the early stages of parenthood. Well, I am glad to say that there is one answer for every family: the family council. Holding a family council will help any family in becoming successful.
The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints holds similar councils. And they have a few suggestions that families can adopt into their own family councils.

• Set a regular time and place to hold family council
• Have an agenda with items and concerns that will be discussed during the council
• No final decision is made until it is agreed upon (I personally think this one only applies to the parents)
• Opening the council with a prayer- if your family is religious
• Providing a snack or refreshment will always be enjoyed :)  

These are a few great suggestions to incorporate into family councils to help them become successful.

Beware of Pride

In my FAML 300 class this is a list that we were given of ways we can be prideful in our marriages. Take a look through them, as some of them may surprise you.

•    Ignore spouse, or give spouse the "cold shoulder” •    Impatient with impatience •    Caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong •    Blaming, defensiveness •    Attack, counterattack •    Scorekeeping, with intentions of noting who is winning or losing •    Refusal to apologize first •    Holding the other hostage by refusing to forgive •    Proving superiority by bringing up spouse’s faults •    Holding grudges •    The “silent treatment”

•    Sharing spouse’s weaknesses with others •    Intentionally trying to create jealousies in spouse •    Get others to create an alliance with you against your spouse •    Putting words in spouse’s mouth to manipulate •    Displaying an attitude of entitlement in the marriage •    Stubbornness or unwillingness to change •    Selfishness, thinking only of your needs •    Unwillingness to learn from spouse •    Fault finding •    Withholding love and affection

In my marriage the little pride games that are played between my husband and I include the silent treatment, defensiveness, and score keeping. For playing these games, we pay the price of a little damage to our relationship, hurt feelings, and often times miscommunication.

 Some little things that I can do to increase humility and work to overcome pride in my marriage include, not giving the silent treatment. I think that is the one I am most guilty of giving my husband. I think that I am doing us good by waiting to calm down and collect my thoughts but it is better for me to express my feelings and emotions so we can work through whatever issue we have. I can also stop keeping score for the both of us because that will help me forget things that upset me and stop holding grudges.

Family Rituals

In previous blog posts I have referenced John M. Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. His seventh principle is to Create Shared Meaning. One thing he suggests doing to help create shared meaning in our marriages is to establish rituals, not only between husband and wife, but also as a family. He provides an exercise to complete to help come up with some rituals:

1. How do we or should we eat together at dinner? What is the meaning of dinnertime? What was dinnertime like in each of our families growing up?
2. How should we part at the beginning of each day? What was this like in our families growing up? How should our reunions be?
3. How should bedtime be? What was is like in our families growing up? How do we want this time to be?
4. What is the meaning of weekends? What were they like in our families growing up? What should they be like now?
5. What are our rituals about vacations? What were they like in our families growing up? What should they mean now?
6. Pick a meaningful holiday. What is the true meaning of this holiday to us? How should it be celebrated this year? How was is celebrated in each of our families growing up?
7. How do we each get refreshed and renewed? What is the meaning of these rituals?
8. What rituals do we have when someone is sick? What was this like in our families growing up? How should it be in our family?

Gottman suggests that, "creating informal rituals when you can connect emotionally is critical in a marriage." Considering his background and expertise on marriage relationships, I think I will follow his advice and create some rituals with Jake and my family.

A few rituals that we already have include eating dinner together, praying together as a family and then as a couple at night, attending church together, and planning trips to visit family throughout the year. To improve or add onto these rituals I think we will now also try to eat breakfast together, praying in the morning together, preparing for church together, and planning mini family vacations.

I think one thing that is most important about this concept is that we create rituals between husband and wife, as well as an entire family. This will create a stronger relationship between spouses and create a stronger-knit family.

“We cannot have our eyes on our partner and ourselves at the same time.”

“If all mankind would live in strict obedience to the gospel, and in that love which is begotten by the Spirit of the Lord, all marriages would be eternal; divorce would be unknown. Divorce is not part of the gospel plan and has been introduced because of the hardness of heart and unbelief of the people…There never could be a divorce in the Church if the husband and wife were keeping the commandments of God.” –President Joseph Fielding Smith

You do not have to be of the LDS church for this quote to mean something to you. I’ll even venture to say that no matter what your religion or faith is, this quote can apply to your marriage. President Joseph Fielding Smith was one of the prophets of the LDS church when he was alive; He was God’s prophet and mouthpiece. In an earlier blog post I mentioned that marriage is of God, it is not something that man created. That being said, this quote speaks nothing but truth. It is powerful yet simple. We are told that if we simply keep the commandments and love our spouse then our marriage will last not only in this life but throughout the eternities. That is possibly the most beautiful thing that I have heard. There is nothing more that I want than for Jake and I to be husband and wife forever.

While not everyone is religious, everyone can still strive for one of the two prerequisites for an eternal marriage- love. In his book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says, “We cannot have our eyes on our partner and ourselves at the same time.” This is one simple statement to remember when we are trying to better love our spouse. We cannot be constantly thinking about ourselves and expect to gain a greater love for our spouse. If we want our marriage to last then we need to forget about ourselves and think about how we can better serve and nurture our spouse.

Preventing the Unimaginable

The last thing a couple thinks about on their wedding day is divorce. Or rather, the last thing I thought about on the day that I got married was the fact that there was a chance that my husband and I could be one of the unlucky couples that ends up separating. On the happiest day of my life, why would I let something so devastating enter my mind?

While my husband and I were engaged I told him that divorce was not an option for us. Whatever problems we might face, whatever challenges may come our way, we will always find a way to work it out. My husband, coming from a family with divorced parents, completely agreed with me.

I do not doubt that there have been married couples who have agreed on the same thing, but unfortunately end up getting a divorce in the end. I don’t think that this agreement between my husband and I makes us “immune” to divorce. And that is the reason for this blog post.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., claims to be able to predict if a married couple will end up in a divorce with very high accuracy. He has come up with signs between a conversing couple to decipher their chance of divorcing. One of these signs he calls The Four Horsemen, they are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are each actions that are done by either or both partners in a marriage, during a discussion. Gottman says that when couples have more than one of these during a conversation, then there is a high possibility for them to get a divorce.

First, criticism. He says that “there’s a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism.” (p.27). When we have a complaint, it is suggesting only to an action done. When we have a criticism, we are actually degrading our spouse’s character. Belittling our spouse leaves damaging effects that I believe are nearly impossible to erase.

Second, contempt. Gottman lists several things that are types of contempt: sarcasm, hostile humor, mockery, eye-rolling, etc. When I think of these things I think of a bratty teenager having a conversation with their parent. The last thing I want to act like while conversing with my husband is a snotty teenager.

Third, defensiveness. When one spouse is getting criticized by the other, they may become defensive during the argument. However, research shows that this rarely gets an apology from the criticizing spouse because it is a form of blaming your spouse.

Fourth, stonewalling. What may seem more common among men is when a wife is “going at” her husband, yelling and whatnot, the husband just tones her out and basically like a stone wall.

I think Gottman has definitely got something going here. I think he really knows what he is talking about when it comes to marriage and divorce. I know that I am going to make a conscious effort to keep the four horsemen out of the discussions I have with my husband, in hopes of preventing the thing that I did not think about on the day I got married.

Putting Thoughts Into Words

This weeks' readings went very in depth into the topic of traditional marriage verses untraditional marriage. Before reading the articles, I had the opinion that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and it is the only correct way to marry. However, I did not even know where or how to begin my "argument" towards traditional marriage. I think I did not know how to form a solid argument from my opinion because marriage between a man and a woman is just something I know to be right; it is something that I grew up believing in true. I just thought that that was the way it was.  I guess I would venture to say that I was naive about where society was headed with nontraditional marriage tolerance. I also did not have any clear knowledge about the damaging affects that same sex marriage would have on society.

After reading the article by Wardle I now have a clear understanding that legalizing marriage between any two adults, regardless of gender, will seriously hurt and hinder the rising generation of children. I always new, from the Proclamation to the World, that children have a divine right to be born into a family where there are both a mother and a father who have made marital commitments to each other. But it was not until now that I realize what children will be missing out on, who are not able to enjoy the blessing of a mother and a father. Children who are denied this blessing will not be able to learn attributes, qualities, or individual roles that a mother has or a father has.

After reading Anderson's article, I now feel like some of those students who responded back to him by thanking him for helping them construct a clear argument being pro traditional marriage. I know  that marriage between man and a woman does not expand the meaning of marriage, but redefines it; and we do not have the right or power to do that because marriage is of God, not of man.

Being Transitional Characters in our Marriage

What is a Transitional Character? According to Carlfred Broderick, a transitional character is "one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage." He gives one noteworthy example of someone who was raised in an abusive home, who grows up to have children of their own and not let their past of abuse affect how they will raise their children. But rather they will raise their children in a safe, loving, non-abusive environment.

This inspired me to try something similar in my marriage with my husband. In no way was I raised in an abusive home. Actually, I like to think that I was very blessed while growing up; I like to think that my parents did a wonderful job raising their kids. However, no one is perfect. I know that there are habits that I unintentionally picked up from my parents that I do not want to carry on into my marriage; my husband would say the same about himself and his parents- I think almost anyone would. And that is where I want to be a transitional character with my husband.

One habit that I think affects marriages negatively is having unspoken expectations. When my husband comes home from school and I am trying to make dinner, dishes need to be washed, baby has a dirty diaper, and the front room is a mess, I might expect him (without verbally asking) to get to work. Instead, he might just start to play with our daughter, causing me to be upset because he simply did not do what I did not ask him to do- it’s ridiculous, I know.

This a habit that I think I have adopted from some of my family members. Now is this as extreme as the abuse example that Broderick gave? No. But I think this is a habit worthy of stopping because I could see it negatively affecting my marriage relationship and family. So my first goal as a transitional character is to eliminate unspoken expectations.